a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
