you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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