Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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