I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Randomize