I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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