I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
