You work out of a Hotel?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
