I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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