The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
