Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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