there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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