I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
