don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You ruined the universe
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
