Swine flu. Run for my life!
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
