i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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