My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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