Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
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