is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
