I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Randomize
