I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
