Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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