I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
