If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
