you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
