Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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