piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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