i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
