That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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