...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
