i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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