I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I AM VODKA MAN
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
