after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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