The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
