I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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