I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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