Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
