ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
