I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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