im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
being pregnant is like rehab
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
