I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
