you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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