oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
