i just sent this text using only my big toe
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Panties = found
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
