i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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