Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
