This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just pee around me
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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