new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
