I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
