woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
