I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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