I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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