3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
