closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
