I can text with my tongue
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Actions speak louder than pants.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
