You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
