I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
