it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
