my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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