remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
