Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
