the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
