i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
