So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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