There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize