I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
