Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
