Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
