I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
