tell your sister to shave her snatch
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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