dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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