Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
