hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
she peed on how many people?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
